just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
