I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
