who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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