Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
