Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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