WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
