i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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