My cat gives me a boner
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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