i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
