this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Holy shit dude........stairs
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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