we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
