Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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