I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
