final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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