no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
