it wasn't lemon gatorade
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
