True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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