i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
