There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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