hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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