It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
