So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
