i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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