Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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