I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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