Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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