I just saw a hot homeless man
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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