I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
