you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
