you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I FOUND THE LEGS
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
