I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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