We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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