My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
