Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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