New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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