If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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