Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
