ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I want her autograph on my taint
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
