my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
