Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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