I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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