It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
