i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
