lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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