I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
