Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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