New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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