i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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