Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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