take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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