is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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